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00:00:03,536 --> 00:00:05,367
♪ ♪
2
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:13,680
(no voice)
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♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪
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♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪
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♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪
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♪ On the night we kissed ♪
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♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪
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♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
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♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
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00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:51,718
♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪
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00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:57,891
♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪
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♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪
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(gasps) Uh-uh, Andy, that is
the last piece of cake.
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I get half of that.
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Have an apple,
it's better for you.
16
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Thanks for caring, Andrew,
but I think I'll cut it in half.
17
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,611
- Oh, that's not half.
- Yes, it is.
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You think that 'cause I'm small,
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I can't see straight.
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- Andy, we can share.
- No!
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- I'll cut it in half...
- I'm telling Mom!
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00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,457
Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait.
This is embarrassing.
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00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,358
You guys fighting
over a piece of cake?
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What difference does
it make if one piece
25
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is slightly bigger
than the other?
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None...
27
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so long as I get it.
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Mom, Dad, I got it.
I got it!
29
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I've been chosen to take over
the personal advice column
30
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for the Columbus
Shopper"s Guide.
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- I'm going to be "Dear Mallory."
- Oh, honey.
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- STEVEN: That's great!
- They picked me
33
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:52,679
over a hundred other applicants.
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They said my sample answers were
warm, compelling, yet practical.
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Uh-huh.
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Great, Mal. Well, maybe
you can help us over here.
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We're trying to decide
on how to share this cake.
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- Hey, I get a piece of that...
- Mom!
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(all talking at once)
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Oh, wait! Wait, wait!
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You've come to me
with a problem.
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You've come to "Dear Mallory,"
and I won't let you down.
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Sit, sit.
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Okay, okay, how's this?
45
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Jen, you cut the cake.
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Andy, you get to pick
which piece you want.
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That way, Jen will cut it fair.
48
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:27,313
That's absolutely brilliant.
49
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:31,417
Warm, compelling, yet practical?
50
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:33,586
You know, Steven, maybe we could
use that approach ourselves.
51
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:35,522
I could cut and you could pick?
52
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Well, dear, we've done so well
for the last 20 years
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with me cutting and picking.
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Although it's a great idea, Mal.
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I am a natural at this.
I better get started.
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Look at all these letters
I have already.
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00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,769
- Oh...
- Oh, you can't actually look,
58
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:52,005
Dad, they're confidential.
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00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,974
Oh, let me look.
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Well, I guess you're family
and all, so...
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"Dear Mallory,
I need your advice.
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00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:07,487
"My partner doesn't
satisfy me sexually,
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- and I was wondering..."
- Oh, Dad...
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00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:11,791
My advice is that
you don't read that.
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Very wise, "Dear Mallory."
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Alex, Alex, guess what?
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00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,466
I'm "Dear Mallory"!
68
00:03:20,466 --> 00:03:23,503
Yeah, and I'm "Adorable Alex."
So what?
69
00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:26,139
Ha, ha.
No, you don't understand.
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00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,374
I'm taking over
the personal advice column
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00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:29,809
for the Columbus
Shopper"s Guide.
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The column is called
"Dear Mallory."
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00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:34,080
Now, wait, wait, wait.
Columbus Shopper"s Guide...
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00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,049
Isn't that that freebie giveaway
thing they have
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at the checkout counter
at the supermarkets?
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Uh, the one with all
the coupons in it?
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That's right.
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00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:43,823
What are you
so excited about, Mal?
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00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,858
You're gonna be...
you're gonna be giving advice
80
00:03:45,858 --> 00:03:47,794
to lowlife bargain hunters
81
00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:50,630
who can't afford
to buy a real paper.
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Alex!
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They're not lowlife
bargain hunters.
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They're people, real people
coming to me for advice.
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Mal, if these people were
willing to shell out a quarter,
86
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they could turn to "Dear Abby."
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I can help him.
88
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:08,047
And if either one of you...
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00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:10,617
...need help, come to me.
90
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:12,252
I'm going to be very busy...
91
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,420
but I'll always
have time for you.
92
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You're family.
93
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Cut the cake.
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Ripped By mstoll
95
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Got a problem, Mal?
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00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:38,711
I don't have problems,
I solve problems.
97
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I'm "Dear Mallory."
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Is there anything
bothering you, Alex?
99
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Mm-hmm.
100
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"Dear Mallory."
101
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Come on, Alex, talk to me.
102
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Open up.
103
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I sense that beneath that preppy
little exterior, there's a mass
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00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:01,467
of insecurities and frustration
waiting to pour out.
105
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:04,404
Yeah, Mal, that's why I have
this exterior.
106
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:07,066
To protect the rug.
107
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:10,543
Come on, Alex, I need practice
108
00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:13,046
and everyone else
in the house is so sane.
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I'll be your best friend.
110
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Oh, that always
works with me, Mal.
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That's because you don't have
any friends, right?
112
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Mallory, why don't you read me
one of your letters?
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- Okay.
- (Alex sighs)
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(sighs)
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"Dear Mallory..."
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I love the way that sounds.
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"...I am an extremely pretty
19-year-old girl
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with a knockout body..."
119
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:51,718
Go on. Please.
120
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:54,287
"I have a real interest
in money,
121
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"and I'm searching
for a smart, cute,
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00:05:56,222 --> 00:06:00,750
21-year-old boy
who likes money, too."
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00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:05,220
We've got to help
these people, Mal.
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And in order to help them,
we need an address.
125
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Hasn't anybody started dinner?
126
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Oh, yeah, Ma, I started it.
127
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And then I decided against it.
128
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Alex, it is your turn
to start dinner tonight.
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00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:25,017
Ma, how can you think of eating,
when there... when there's
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00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:28,521
a young woman in peril
at 3214 Douglas Drive?
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Apartment 3C.
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Mom...
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Mom, maybe you can help me out.
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I need practice solving
people's problems
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before I publish
my first column.
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- And?
- Well, is there anything
137
00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:41,367
you'd like to talk about?
138
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,436
Anything bothering you?
139
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,938
Well, I'm hungry.
140
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:47,707
Besides that, anything else?
141
00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:50,073
I'm thirsty, too.
142
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Dad, help me out.
143
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:56,082
Any major problems in your life
you'd like to discuss?
144
00:06:56,082 --> 00:07:00,219
Um... no, I got
in the door just fine.
145
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Come on, Dad, think hard.
Anything at work?
146
00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:03,890
- No.
- Physical problems?
147
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:06,415
- Nope.
- Marital problems?
148
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:10,588
- Well, sometimes your mother...
- Steven!
149
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,700
Mallory, I've been going
through some of these letters,
150
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,102
and most of them
seem pretty ordinary,
151
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,471
but I think I found one
you can use in your column.
152
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:19,472
Oh, great, great.
153
00:07:19,472 --> 00:07:21,741
Yeah, it's really very touching.
154
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,743
"Dear Mallory..."
(giggles)
155
00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:26,279
"I'm 181/2 years old,
and for the first time
156
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,147
"in my life, I have a boyfriend.
157
00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:30,016
"But last night,
a friend told me
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00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:31,884
"that he's seeing
another girl, too.
159
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"I can't stop crying.
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What do I do?"
161
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Signed, First Love.
162
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,515
(Steven sniffs)
163
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,198
Dad, it's just a letter.
164
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,099
I'm, uh... I'm fine.
165
00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:48,259
I'm-I'm, I'm fine.
166
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Great choice, Jen.
167
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I'm gonna use this
in my first column.
168
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Her first love.
169
00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,377
Dad, be strong.
170
00:07:58,377 --> 00:08:00,813
Oh, look, uh, why don't
we go in the kitchen
171
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:01,981
and get dinner started,
172
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,483
and leave
the problem solving to them?
173
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,984
I'm too upset to eat.
174
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,976
Well, I'm not!
Move it.
175
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:11,858
(sighs) What are you
gonna tell her, Mal?
176
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:13,893
I mean, I feel
kind of responsible.
177
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,561
I found the letter and all.
178
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:17,730
I don't know.
I don't know. Sit down.
179
00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,866
Something like this:
180
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:21,634
"Dear First Love,
181
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:24,437
"There are plenty
of fish in the sea.
182
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,962
Looks like you may have
caught yourself a shark."
183
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,700
Ooh.
184
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:35,248
"So stop crying.
185
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,783
"First thing you've got to do
is find out if it's true.
186
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,152
"If he is seeing the other
woman, you've got no choice.
187
00:08:40,152 --> 00:08:42,188
Cut him loose."
188
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,523
- That's good, Mally.
- Yeah?
189
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,857
That's good, that's good.
190
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,425
I would add, um, uh,
191
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:49,417
"And let him sink
into the slime."
192
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:54,497
But that's just me.
(chuckles)
193
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,204
That's a nice touch, Alex.
194
00:08:58,204 --> 00:08:59,472
What do you think
of my response?
195
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,773
I liked it,
196
00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:02,808
but don't you think
it's a little rough?
197
00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:04,477
Now, see, Jen, rough but fair.
198
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,579
You've got to give it
to these people straight,
199
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,147
or nobody feels like
they're getting helped.
200
00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:09,515
I mean, how would you feel?
201
00:09:09,515 --> 00:09:12,718
I don't know, I haven't
had my first love yet.
202
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:16,415
But when you do, you'll come
to me for advice, right?
203
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,649
For sure.
204
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,898
How's it going, Mom?
205
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:28,935
Well, I'm working
on the McPhillips house.
206
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:31,103
Still? I thought
you finished that.
207
00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:32,638
What's the problem?
208
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:35,107
Well, it's really a problem
of balancing the spatial
209
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:36,409
and the structural logistics.
210
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,577
I mean...
211
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,046
Can we... do we just
sheer-wall the existing
212
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,214
elements, or can we
support the weight
213
00:09:42,214 --> 00:09:43,716
of a cantilevered
terrace with...
214
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:46,519
with just poured
concrete grade beams?
215
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,781
I don't know.
216
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:50,823
(sighs)
217
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:53,815
Architecture got you down, Mom?
218
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:59,031
Here's a suggestion
for a quick pick-me-up.
219
00:09:59,031 --> 00:10:02,034
Go buy yourself a new dress.
220
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:04,837
Something splashy;
something pink.
221
00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:07,829
Buy me one too.
222
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,010
Make you feel better.
223
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:14,513
Always worked
for Frank Lloyd Wright.
224
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:16,582
- You see?
- Mm.
225
00:10:16,582 --> 00:10:18,584
How's "Dear Mallory"
coming along?
226
00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:20,786
Great. I've got Andy
helping out now.
227
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,221
(laughs)
Oh, that's cute.
228
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:25,458
How do you spell "grow up"?
229
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,927
Uh, G-R-O-W U-P.
230
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:31,530
How about "sink back
into the slime"?
231
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:34,158
(sighs)
Ask Alex.
232
00:10:36,602 --> 00:10:38,571
I brought you a present:
The new issue
233
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,006
of the Shopper"s Guide, Mal!
234
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,074
Yay! It's my first
"Dear Mallory!"
235
00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:43,576
Where is it?
Where is it?
236
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,277
It's, uh, it's right here,
Mal, it's right here,
237
00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:47,146
right between
"The Weekend Grease Monkey"
238
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,682
and "Cora's Cut-Rate Corner."
239
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:51,584
Eh, uh, you know,
that "Weekend Grease Monkey"
240
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,419
is a hell of a column.
241
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:55,788
No need to tell us, Nick.
It's our favorite, too.
242
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,722
NICK:
Yeah.
243
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,424
Oh, look, there's my picture!
244
00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:01,360
Yeah, right between Cora
and the Monkey.
245
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:02,862
Let me read it. Here.
246
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:06,365
"Dear First Love, there are
plenty of fish in the sea,
247
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:09,669
and it looks like that you may
have caught a... a shark."
248
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,505
- (giggles)
- Whew.
249
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,674
Or what's this here?
250
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,043
Oh, uh, eh, uh,
that's your address
251
00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:19,178
and, uh, that's your phone
number, Mrs. Keaton.
252
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,946
You know, you should
really know that.
253
00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:23,938
I mean, in case you
get lost or something.
254
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,955
Mom, I put it in there.
255
00:11:29,955 --> 00:11:31,857
If any of my readers
had questions...
256
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,392
you know, if anything
seemed unclear...
257
00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:35,561
they could call or write me
directly here.
258
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:38,553
Well, that's something
Dear Abby's never done.
259
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:44,670
I am simply not into a cold,
aloof approach to advice-giving.
260
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,305
I am warm and accessible.
261
00:11:46,305 --> 00:11:48,107
People need me,
and I'm here for them.
262
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:50,176
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can vouch for that.
263
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:52,445
She's warm... and accessible...
264
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,746
Nick!
265
00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:55,737
Please!
266
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:03,489
Please, Nick, it's bad enough
our phone number's in the paper.
267
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,558
ELYSE:
Look,
268
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,294
what is to stop people
from coming up to our house
269
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,396
- and knocking on the door?
- (knocking on door)
270
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:13,432
Very little, it seems.
271
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:14,433
Yeah.
272
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:16,135
Are you "Dear Mallory"?
273
00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:18,137
Well, I know
what your problem is, pal.
274
00:12:18,137 --> 00:12:20,639
Slight gender confusion.
275
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:23,175
Well, that is on the list.
276
00:12:23,175 --> 00:12:25,511
- That's "Dear Mallory"
right there. - Ah.
277
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:28,180
- I'm "Buffaloed Bill."
- Buffalo Bill.
278
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:31,183
"Buff... Buffaloed Bill."
279
00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:32,818
- Oh, okay.
- My wife,
280
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:35,054
she orders me around
all the time.
281
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,890
Well, these are my parents,
Steven and Elyse Keaton.
282
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:39,792
Oh, Mr. Keaton, Mrs. Keaton.
283
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:42,294
- Buffaloed.
- (phone rings)
284
00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:44,930
Hello.
285
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:47,133
"Dear Mallory," it's for you.
286
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,734
- (knocking on door)
- ALEX: I got it.
287
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:51,170
Hello. Yes.
288
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:54,340
- "Dear Mallory"?
- (overlapping chatter)
289
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,841
Oh, Mallory, am I glad
to see you.
290
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:56,830
You've got to help me.
291
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,581
You look tired.
292
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:04,116
(sighs)
I'm fine.
293
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,352
How many letters have you
answered tonight, hmm?
294
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,753
How many phone calls?
295
00:13:07,753 --> 00:13:10,222
Oh, I stopped counting
after a hundred.
296
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:11,757
You're doing way too much.
297
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:14,093
I can't believe how many hours
you're putting in on this.
298
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:15,394
I know.
299
00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:16,929
Mom, I've been working hard.
300
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:18,920
But it's worth it.
301
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,336
When you're in
the public eye, as I am,
302
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:26,270
your time just isn't your own.
303
00:13:27,339 --> 00:13:28,340
You're so lucky to be
304
00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,331
a complete unknown, Mom.
305
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:35,581
I don't... I don't like
to brag about it.
306
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,249
- ¡Hola! Hey!
- Hi, Alex.
307
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,685
Boy, how people can say
economics majors are dull
308
00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,253
is beyond me.
309
00:13:41,253 --> 00:13:44,824
Tonight, we watched reruns of
The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.
310
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,827
Then we started quoting
from Adam Smith.
311
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,818
At random.
312
00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:53,666
And we finished up the night
by dancing on the table
313
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,402
and shouting out
commodities prices.
314
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:59,572
I'm surprised the cops
didn't bust in on you.
315
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:02,564
How many times do I have
to throw this thing out?
316
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,978
(phone rings)
317
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:07,313
Hello.
318
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:09,915
Yes, this is she.
319
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,651
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
320
00:14:12,651 --> 00:14:14,386
No, talk to her.
321
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:16,055
Yeah.
322
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:19,582
Well, she's your mother
and she deserves that respect.
323
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,194
Uh-huh.
324
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:25,865
Remember, we're always here
for you. Bye.
325
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,700
That's very good advice,
by the way.
326
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,701
(sighs)
327
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,636
It's instinctive, Mom.
328
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:32,905
Flows right out of me.
329
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:35,140
It's like there's
this little voice
330
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:37,142
inside my brain saying...
331
00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,133
"Boy, you can see
for miles in here!"
332
00:14:52,324 --> 00:14:53,325
(phone rings)
333
00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:54,894
STEVEN:
I got it!
334
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,897
Hey, Mal, Mal, this is getting
a little out of hand.
335
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,065
You're giving
marital advice now?
336
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:02,468
Oh, Mom, the column's
been expanded.
337
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:05,404
Oh, I'm giving marriage advice,
legal advice.
338
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:08,237
I'm doing surgery
through the mail.
339
00:15:10,175 --> 00:15:11,777
Mal, telephone for you.
340
00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:14,246
It's someone calling himself
"Fed Up Freddie."
341
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,248
I told him it's
a little late to be calling,
342
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,517
but he says he really needs
to speak to you.
343
00:15:18,517 --> 00:15:21,120
Oh, is he annoying.
344
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,122
Well, tell him it is
too late to call,
345
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:25,024
but he can come
to the open house tomorrow.
346
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,358
Great.
347
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:29,361
What... what open house?
348
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:31,297
Well, I figured
it would be a good idea
349
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,933
to have a, um... an open house
one night a week.
350
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,201
That way I can deal
with them one-on-one.
351
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,370
(sighs)
352
00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:40,372
Uh, listen, Freddie?
353
00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:42,741
She, uh... she can't come
to the phone right now.
354
00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:44,868
But there's
an open house tomorrow.
355
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,847
Don't start with me, Freddie.
356
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:52,339
Yeah, well, I'm fed up
with you, too!
357
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:56,855
Mallory, I...
I honestly don't know
358
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:58,357
how you handle these people!
359
00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:01,327
I-I find it completely
exasperating!
360
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:02,995
Dear "Disturbed Dad,"
361
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,531
if you let the little things
in life bother you,
362
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,800
you lose sight of what
you really have...
363
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,893
how much you mean
to your family.
364
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,698
She's good.
365
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:21,547
She's very good. I feel better.
366
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,538
(overlapping chatter)
367
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:35,494
It's really going well, Alex.
So many people showed up,
368
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,563
and I think we really helped
a lot of them.
369
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:41,567
Yeah, well, uh,
I've kept my area tidy.
370
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,402
Look, there are only
about 15 more minutes.
371
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,771
Maybe we should start moving
people towards the door?
372
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:48,262
All right, Mom, I'll, uh...
I'll get out the big net.
373
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,580
- Well, enjoy yourself tonight,
Skipper? - Uh, actually,
374
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,582
I'm a little overwhelmed,
Mr. Keaton. You see...
375
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:57,916
Well, I-I couldn't really decide
376
00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:00,052
what problem of mine
to focus on.
377
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,354
So, uh, well, I've been
kind of hanging
378
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,890
around the "Generally Nuts" area
most of the night.
379
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:07,226
You can't go wrong there, Skip.
380
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:09,057
(doorbell rings)
381
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:12,097
- Hi.
- Uh, hello.
382
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:14,199
I'm Andrea Neff.
Are you "Dear Mallory"?
383
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,468
Yes, but our open house
is almost over.
384
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:17,636
Oh, great.
385
00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:19,271
I can't even time
my problems right.
386
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,407
I was hoping to have my crisis
earlier, like usual,
387
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:22,541
but wouldn't you know it,
388
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,176
tonight I got off
to a late start.
389
00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:25,768
My kitchen blew up.
390
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:27,946
Let me help.
391
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,581
(clearing throat)
Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss.
392
00:17:29,581 --> 00:17:33,218
Why don't you, uh, just have
a seat right by this sign.
393
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,709
Someone will be around
to help you soon.
394
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:41,093
Um, what seems to be
your problem, Andrea?
395
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,095
Well, you-you don't
know me as Andrea.
396
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:44,997
You know me as "First Love."
397
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:47,499
"Fi..." Yes! Hi!
398
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:49,835
I-I've been waiting to hear
from you! How did it go?
399
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,070
Did you talk to your boyfriend?
400
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,072
Yes, um, I...
401
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,407
You know, could you move this?
402
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,509
Oh, God...
403
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,178
I-I talked to him.
404
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:01,513
And? Did you confront him
like I said?
405
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:03,515
Were you firm with him?
Tell me everything.
406
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:04,917
Well, I-I did just
what you said.
407
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,219
I-I looked him right in the eye
and I said, "Billy,
408
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:09,922
are you seeing another woman?"
And he said, "No, I'm not.
409
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,623
"But I hate being accused by you
410
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:14,126
and I never want
to see you again."
411
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:16,117
Oh, that's not good.
412
00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:21,467
No. I didn't think so either,
413
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:24,503
but I-I wanted
a professional opinion.
414
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:27,039
Yeah. Well, I'm sorry.
415
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,474
Aren't you gonna fix it?
416
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:29,975
Um...
417
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,743
I don't think I can.
418
00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:34,735
If I'd have come earlier,
could you have fixed it?
419
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,051
(sighs) Look, maybe
you're better off this way.
420
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,720
I mean, maybe he wasn't
the right guy for you.
421
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,222
If he's so willing to leave you
422
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:45,290
- just because you asked him
a question. - Oh, no, no.
423
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,559
He doesn't mind questions.
It was just that one
424
00:18:47,559 --> 00:18:49,161
that really bugged him.
425
00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:52,431
Um, maybe you need
to find another guy.
426
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:54,433
You know, there are plenty
of them out there.
427
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:56,435
ANDREA:
Oh, for you. Look at you,
428
00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:58,437
you're gorgeous...
it's easy for you
429
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:01,306
to say, "Cut him loose,"
but not for me. I mean...
430
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,308
Look at you and look at me!
431
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,311
I-I'm not in a position
to make a stand like that.
432
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,447
How could you give me
that advice?
433
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:10,115
It was the best advice
I had to give.
434
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,117
- I-I just tried...
- I'm Mallory's mother,
435
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:14,419
and she was trying
to help you, believe me.
436
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,288
Well, what do you know?
437
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:18,688
You're gorgeous, too.
438
00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:22,761
You're all gorgeous!
439
00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:24,752
I mean...
440
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:31,303
Do you have any idea
what it's like being me?
441
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:33,294
Well, I might.
442
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:39,244
D-Do you know what it's like
sitting by the phone
443
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:42,247
- praying for it to ring?
- Yes.
444
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,583
Do you know how it feels
to have a blind date
445
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:46,351
show up at your door
and say, "I'm sorry.
446
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,253
There must be some mistake."
And he runs off?
447
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,254
Yes.
448
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:50,889
Do you know what it's like
449
00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:54,393
to go to the prom as a...
as a hatcheck girl?
450
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:57,062
Yes.
451
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:59,758
You know, I'm gonna kill
this person.
452
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,968
I-I don't know what to say.
453
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,336
I-I'm... I know.
454
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:06,371
This is... this is terrible,
I know. I...
455
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,807
I should have written
to "Dear Abby." I...
456
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:11,109
Oh, that's the last time
I try to save a quarter.
457
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:12,411
Wait.
458
00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:14,680
Um, do you want to sit down?
We could talk about it.
459
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,671
No, no, I'm fine.
(chuckles)
460
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:20,852
He was the only boyfriend
I'll ever have,
461
00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:23,343
and-and now my life's a wreck.
462
00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:26,514
I'm sorry to bother you.
463
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,884
Wait, Andrea! Wait up!
464
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:35,500
You've been telling us
about your academic
465
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,004
and, uh, social problems
for... let's see...
466
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:41,840
two and a half hours now.
467
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,375
And you know what's amazing?
468
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,673
I haven't really scratched
the surface.
469
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:48,703
That's our sense of it, too.
470
00:20:50,682 --> 00:20:53,418
Well, it's not like you guys
have said anything. I mean...
471
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,053
Can you give me some advice?
472
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,054
Yes.
473
00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:58,045
Go home.
474
00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:01,827
It's good advice, Skip.
475
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,818
Thank you.
476
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:11,303
Hey, boy, these... lovelorn
people sure eat a lot.
477
00:21:11,303 --> 00:21:13,205
Finished all the dip.
478
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,674
Gouged the bowl a little, too.
479
00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:17,142
What a night!
480
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:21,146
I never heard so many problems,
saw so many tears.
481
00:21:21,146 --> 00:21:23,048
I can't believe
how many times I said,
482
00:21:23,048 --> 00:21:24,572
"Would you like a Kleenex?"
483
00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:28,720
- Hi.
- Hey.
484
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:29,855
Are you all right?
485
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,846
Yeah, I'm fine.
486
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:35,494
Would you like a Kleenex?
487
00:21:35,494 --> 00:21:37,062
Did you catch up with her?
488
00:21:37,062 --> 00:21:38,230
Finally.
489
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:40,232
I tell you, this girl
had some problems.
490
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,768
Speed was not one of 'em.
491
00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:45,737
- Well, what did you say to her?
- Mom,
492
00:21:45,737 --> 00:21:48,573
I mean, there was... there was
really nothing to say, you know?
493
00:21:48,573 --> 00:21:51,443
I apologized.
But what could I do?
494
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,845
I-I can't believe the way
this turned out.
495
00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:55,180
All I wanted was for her
496
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:57,382
to be happy, for them all
to be happy.
497
00:21:57,382 --> 00:22:00,118
That's so much like you,
honey; it really is.
498
00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:01,486
I was really foolish, Mom.
499
00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:03,322
I was really in love
with the idea
500
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,190
that I could help
these people, that...
501
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:07,559
that they'd turn to me
for help, you know?
502
00:22:07,559 --> 00:22:09,795
I got carried away.
503
00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:12,197
Well, you did get
carried away, but...
504
00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:14,866
you don't want to stifle
that noble impulse.
505
00:22:14,866 --> 00:22:17,235
It's such
a beautiful quality, honey.
506
00:22:17,235 --> 00:22:19,738
Mom, I mean, look
at these letters.
507
00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:21,406
I mean,
can you believe the subjects
508
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,141
I was trying to give advice on?
509
00:22:23,141 --> 00:22:25,577
Marriage, aging...
510
00:22:25,577 --> 00:22:28,313
agriculture.
511
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:30,716
You know, even
as a very little girl
512
00:22:30,716 --> 00:22:33,151
you were always like that, Mal.
513
00:22:33,151 --> 00:22:35,787
So sweet and caring,
always so...
514
00:22:35,787 --> 00:22:38,123
so sensitive
to other people's feelings.
515
00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:40,092
I remember one time
you came home
516
00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:41,560
all upset and teary-eyed.
517
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,829
You couldn't have been more
than five, five and a half.
518
00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:49,234
You said, "Dad, Skippy's
hamsters are biting each other."
519
00:22:49,234 --> 00:22:51,236
Oh, Dad.
520
00:22:51,236 --> 00:22:53,171
"And the lady hamster's
biting the man
521
00:22:53,171 --> 00:22:55,440
more than the man's
biting the lady."
522
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,977
And I said, "Well, uh,
maybe that's what hamsters do."
523
00:22:58,977 --> 00:23:01,279
You said, "How could that be?
524
00:23:01,279 --> 00:23:03,715
"They're supposed
to love each other.
525
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:06,885
I have to have a talk
with that lady hamster."
526
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:09,988
And the next day you went
and talked to the lady hamster
527
00:23:09,988 --> 00:23:12,991
and you came back home
and said, uh, "Dad,
528
00:23:12,991 --> 00:23:14,793
they stopped biting each other!"
529
00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:17,062
I said, "Good for you, Mallory."
530
00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:20,122
You said, "Yeah.
Now they're biting Skippy."
531
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:24,269
I love a happy ending.
532
00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:26,037
I wish I'd remembered
that story.
533
00:23:26,037 --> 00:23:28,540
I might have stayed out
of the lovelorn business.
534
00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:30,142
Now, don't be so hard
on yourself.
535
00:23:30,142 --> 00:23:33,111
You made some mistakes, but,
hey, you gave some good advice.
536
00:23:33,111 --> 00:23:34,846
Look, here...
537
00:23:34,846 --> 00:23:37,449
"Dear Mallory, my friends
have moved,
538
00:23:37,449 --> 00:23:40,118
"my relatives don't talk to me,
my husband left me.
539
00:23:40,118 --> 00:23:42,654
What should I do? Signed,
'Desperately Lonely."'
540
00:23:42,654 --> 00:23:44,890
Now, what did
"Dear Mallory" reply?
541
00:23:44,890 --> 00:23:47,559
Here, uh, "Dear Lonely,
do yourself a favor.
542
00:23:47,559 --> 00:23:49,959
Stop your whining and learn
how to spell 'desperately."'
543
00:23:51,997 --> 00:23:53,988
I never wrote that.
544
00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:06,901
Well, you were so busy.
545
00:24:35,841 --> 00:24:37,676
MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
546
00:24:37,676 --> 00:24:38,802
(Ubu barks)
547
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:48,500
Ripped By mstoll